Feeling Blue

I guess with all of the changes and my husband actually cutting me off. I have started thinking deeper into our relationship. I haven't come up with any final answers. I am totally confused and hurt.

My life seems to be on some sort of horrible roller coaster that keeps spinning out of control. Although I can see people over on the side as I go through the depot. Shouldn't it be me who is working the mechanisms?

I mean slow down speed up. Handle that better. Wake up, go to sleep. Stay in school, don't yell at the kids. Yes you love your husband, pick up the laundry, vacuum the floor. Stand up for yourself. He shouldn't talk to you that way. He did what. Pick yourself up out of this recliner and do something.

I know all of these things and still here I sit.

I am just a mess.
I need help.
I need to do something.
I need help.
I have already dropped a class from this semester.
Resigned as PTA president. Who am I? Is that who defines me? I need a job.
But I have already been told that I don't have any experience and I don't have a degree. What has all of the years of working my tail off been for? Service work is still work.

What will I do if he leaves? Do I worry about that? That is my problem. I worry about everything. I know that if I was on my own with my 2 kids we would be fine. I don't want to be on my own but who does? Do I still want to be married to him? How do I know? I don't want him to make all the decisions. I don't want him to push me around. He can't change our life after 16 years and expect me to be ok with it.

I am not ok with it.

I am hopelessly lost. I really need help.

Not in a good place today.

Today I am at home by myself.

My family is in Louisiana at Mardi Gras.

I am working on homework that should have been turned in on Thursday.

And college... It isn't like all that other stuff. It actually takes some work. Last semester I just blew through it. This semester is actually making me do the work I should have done last semester along with this semester too. That is not OK

The person whom I thought was my best friend has turned out to be someone that I don't really want to be around. She keeps hurting me and says she didn't realize it.
Then she crapped on one of our friends last night like it was nothing. No big deal. Why do we take everything so personal...

My daughter is in Pre-puberty? Is that a word? She is having some learning troubles also. I am not sure how to handle all of that.

A boy at school was causing trouble but he is in a Detention school for another matter for another week. We will see about that when he comes back.

I have so much going on that I feel like my head is going to explode.

My husband is not at all happy. Thinking of leaving actually is what he told me yesterday. Then he took my kids and headed out of state.

I am just not at all in a good place right now. I am still in my pajama's and it is 6: 45 pm.

I want to just let this all go away. I don't know what to do anymore. I am overwhelmed and my husband thinks I am just making excuses.

Why do I have to be the way I am? Why do I have to be so persistant? So analytical...
Why can't I just accept that someone might know more than me?

OMG!!!!! What can I do to make it all better?