Feeling Blue

I guess with all of the changes and my husband actually cutting me off. I have started thinking deeper into our relationship. I haven't come up with any final answers. I am totally confused and hurt.

My life seems to be on some sort of horrible roller coaster that keeps spinning out of control. Although I can see people over on the side as I go through the depot. Shouldn't it be me who is working the mechanisms?

I mean slow down speed up. Handle that better. Wake up, go to sleep. Stay in school, don't yell at the kids. Yes you love your husband, pick up the laundry, vacuum the floor. Stand up for yourself. He shouldn't talk to you that way. He did what. Pick yourself up out of this recliner and do something.

I know all of these things and still here I sit.

I am just a mess.
I need help.
I need to do something.
I need help.
I have already dropped a class from this semester.
Resigned as PTA president. Who am I? Is that who defines me? I need a job.
But I have already been told that I don't have any experience and I don't have a degree. What has all of the years of working my tail off been for? Service work is still work.

What will I do if he leaves? Do I worry about that? That is my problem. I worry about everything. I know that if I was on my own with my 2 kids we would be fine. I don't want to be on my own but who does? Do I still want to be married to him? How do I know? I don't want him to make all the decisions. I don't want him to push me around. He can't change our life after 16 years and expect me to be ok with it.

I am not ok with it.

I am hopelessly lost. I really need help.